It Hurts My Heart

It takes a lot for me to truly spark with someone. I have found true friends hard to come by and when they do my heart holds on to them fiercely!

Now I openly admit I have communication issues. I don’t write as often as I should, send pictures or cards, and I go through seasons of regularly and often calling to calling once every 2-4 weeks. No matter when or where though I pick up like we talked just yesterday.

So when a friend stops talking to me I know I normally had a part in it. Most of the time we grow apart or too much time has passed between phone calls and e-mails. I know that some people are in our life if only but for a season. A very wise woman told me that.

What I think hurts the most and is the hardest to swallow is when I sense that separation coming with some one I truly care about and through I try to make contact through calls and e-mail [or text when I have a cell phone] the separation still happens even if I’m not ready for it.

When someone is ready to part ways and move on and I’m not, it hurts! I always wonder what if I did more? Maybe if I had called sooner or wrote longer e-mails. Then I think did I do something wrong? Say something wrong? I rack my brain with every possible scenario where I could have done or said the wrong thing. After that phrase passes I then think of any fights or disagreements we may have had. Did I apologize enough? Was I able to truly express how genuinely sorry I was? Maybe they didn’t forgive me for this fight or that disagreement. Worse, what if they felt I didn’t appreciate them enough or I wasn’t there when they need me?

Now if it wasn’t just a friend but some one I looked up to, respected, and admired? *insert low whistle* it’s 5 times worse!

On the rare, very rare, occasions that I get up the nerve to ask why and what happened one of two things happen. They either tell me what I did and I feel more guilty and more stupid then ever OR they tell me I ‘did nothing and it’s nothing’ and I just can’t believe them and start my internal interrogation/investigation all over again.

For me it’s difficult to say good bye to people I truly feel connected to, that I love and care for, especially since there are so few people I open up to that deeply.

Saying good bye is hard and it’s a wound that never fully heals.